Thursday, October 3, 2013

A Breath of Fresh Air

Before I unleash the massive amounts of pictures I want to share, I first wanted to give a little update (and maybe a bit of a speech) on all of us...

I have found myself wishing so many times over the last few months that time would just slow down so I could catch my breath. Even just a little. Beckett is growing so, so fast, and is learning at a pace that is completely freaking me out. At almost two and a half, Beckett knows his colors, shapes, can count to 16, sings his favorite songs (Wheels on the Bus, Old McDonald, Once there was a Snowman, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Jesus Wants me for a Sunbeam, I am like a Star Shining Brightly, Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes, and of course You are my Sunshine, his fave) he knows his ABC’s, he is starting to be able to recognize his numbers by sight, and also counts quickly by sight. The other night we were heading to the store on the freeway by a few semi-trucks and he said “Hey, two semis!” I almost died. He is truly the sweetest - albeit the wildest and craziest - little boy that I have ever met and I’m so grateful he is mine. I am reminded all the time what a big heart he has and between that and his hilarious sense of humor, I just don’t think it’s possible that I could love him any more than I do now.

I have really struggled the last 2 years with post-partum depression and anxiety, and along with that, the guilt of having to go back to work and the “damage” I was going to do to Beckett by doing so. I now have a completely different attitude and opinion. I know that I am doing what is right for our family, regardless of whatever anyone else thinks. I have grown so tired of the guilt placed on me by those around me who are lucky enough to stay at home with their kids, and who judge me because I am not doing the same. I am happy for those who are able to stay home, but I am tired of hearing how being a stay at home mother is “the hardest job in the world”. I’m sorry, but it’s not; that’s just called being a mother and yes, it is hard. Now try being a mother on top of working a full time job to help your husband carry the financial burden of your family. Everything that a mother who is able to stay at home has to do, I have to, too, only I have fewer hours in the day to do it in. Just because I have to balance my time between the office and home doesn’t mean those things go away. 

Just like probably every other mom out there, I worry every day that I am not doing enough. That our house isn’t clean enough, or that dinner isn’t elaborate enough, or that I’m a huge failure as a parent and wife. I have just felt for so long that I wasn’t “good enough” in general, but you know what? I’m tired of feeling that way, and if I push the guilt aside I think we're doing pretty darn good if you ask me. I am so grateful for those around me who help to boost me up and even, dare I dream, compliment me for doing my best. Those few people have made things a lot easier for me at times that I have struggled.

The reality is that I can choose to either let myself get down and resent my husband for not making it possible for me to stay home, or I can choose to accept our reality and be grateful that together we are able to provide for our family, and make the most of our time together. Of course I can make that sound easy, which it wasn't at first, but the fact is that I love Matt too much and have too much respect for him to hold his career against him. I knew who I was marrying. I knew that he wanted to be part of something bigger than himself, to be out there keeping us safe and enforcing the law; this is a huge part of who he is, and the person I fell in love with. I also knew that along with this path, we weren't going to be millionaires which is obviously something I was fine with since you can see this ring on my finger. We really are a team, so if me working is what needed to happen, that's what I'm going to do; not only for our family, but also to support him in his choices. I would much rather share in the financial burden and responsibility, so that the three of us can spend time together as a whole family, than have him working multiple jobs to support us on his own. I am proud of my husband and his choices.  He is my hero. He has worked so hard straight out of high school to get where he is now, and hasn't quit or complained. I don't think many people can say that. I have an amazing teammate and could not have hit the jackpot more in the husband department. These last few months Matt has been so happy and his excitement for his work has  lifted a heavy load off his shoulders. I am sure he will go back and wrap up his degree sometime, but for now, we are happy and content where we are, and are focusing on enjoying the moment we are in. 

Even though our lives are sometimes a bit chaotic, I am also so grateful that I have been able to arrange my work schedule like I have, and I realize that I am luckier than a lot of other working moms in that way. I am able to work longer days to squeeze in my hours so that on my days off, I'm really "off", and we can make the most of our time. On top of that, I really did not know what I would think about Matt's schedule, but it has turned out to be a huge blessing. Since he works 12 hour shifts, he is then home for 2-3 days in a row depending on how many days in a row he worked, which makes for big chunks of time for us to enjoy all together, or at least for the boys to enjoy on the days I am working, until I get home. We are still adjusting (especially now that he is on nights and is gone from 7p-7a), but we are getting the hang of it, and are enjoying the days he does have off.

And now, probably much to your relief, I will get off my soap box and show you a little bit of what we've been up to.


We went  yard-saling with Grandpa Phillips in the spring


We celebrated our little man's second birthday with the traditional pizza dinner ....

 
and a Cars themed birthday party and gifts.

 
Right around Beckett’s birthday, he had a growth spurt. Going into the store to find him some dang pants that would fit around the waist AND lengthwise (the eternal struggle!!) I couldn’t help but notice how stinking tiny all those preemie outfits that used to drown him looked next to my growing toddler. So, in an effort to reminisce, and in the process further depress myself, I thought I would try and take a picture of him holding some of his old preemie clothes. This obviously did not go as planned since this is the best photo I was able to capture –he just cannot be forced to hold still that long!!- but it still shows just how much he’s grown… since the whole outfit is now the length of his thigh.

 
We celebrated Matt's graduation from Police academy in May


And the marriage of these two lovebirds (my brother Taylor and his wife Carrie) in June

 I probably should have cropped out my brother Ethan's grumpy face in this one, but I just couldn't, it cracks me up too much. (Love you, Enee)

 We celebrated Matt's new job in July...
 
 
And spent tons of time over the summer doing lots of fun things like swinging at Grandma's, playing in the water, taking impromptu trips to the splash pad, and even going to a few movies
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
Now that the weather is cooling down we are shifting gears a little bit. We are still getting outside to play with Mater and to chalk up the sidewalks while we still can, and we've even found a few ducks to chase around.
 
 

 

We have also enjoyed spending time with our friends having game days on Saturdays, and going to the zoo. This is Beckett with his buddy Molly, who he adores.


 
One upside to the weather cooling down is that I am more motivated to get some crafting done. Yahoo!
 


 
 
 
All in all, we are doing well. Thanks for reading this ginormous update! (if anyone even still reads this.) It was nice to vent and get everything out of my system.
 
 Hope you all are doing well, too!